An Overwhelming Sadness

So sad.
Really it’s all so sad.
I am just overwhelmed by sadness.

What pushes people to that point?
Is it that we didn’t show them enough love?
Is it that we didn’t show them
that we would, in fact,
be there for them when they needed us?
Is it that they didn’t believe it?

Why didn’t he pick the phone and call someone,
call us?
Why didn’t he drive to a friend’s house?
Why didn’t he go to the hospital emergency room
and tell them
he was afraid he might hurt himself?

What happens?
How do people get so filled with sadness
that they decide to take their own life?

I’m filled with a sadness
that words simply cannot express.

Am I sad
because I loved him like my own son?

Am I sad                   
because my sons lost a very dear friend?

Am I sad
because his mother and father
experience this tragedy?

Am I sad
because his older brother
and younger sister
lost someone dear to them?

Am I sad
because I worry that we didn’t do enough,
weren’t there for him,
when he might have needed us?

An overwhelming sadness. .
. . .like waves of water
that rush in to drown. . .
. . .a sadness that streams from eyes.

Maybe am I sad
because a young person
was so in despair
that he took his own life.

I never met his mother.
While growing up
he lived with his father and step-mother.
Yet,
I feel a sorrow beyond comprehension
for his mother.
She brought him into this world,
into life.

If a woman loses her husband
she is a widow.
What is she if she loses her son?
. . .a sadness that is so tremendous,
a sadness that overwhelms.

I’m surrounded by memories.
He helped repair my front steps
in the old house.
He helped us move
here to this house.

He practically lived with us
when my sons were in high school.

He ate and showered
and did his laundry at our house.
I bought him Christmas gifts
as if he were my own son.

I remember when he got his driver’s license.
I remember telling him to
always where his seat belt.
Don’t drink and drive.
One would have thought
I was his mother.

We shared all of life’s up and downs. .
. . .like family.

I guess these are the times
when one realizes
that family
has absolutely nothing to do with blood
but everything to do with love.
I loved him
like my own son.

And now he is dead.

As of the writing of this blog post
we do not know
the funeral arrangements.

What can I do?

What can anyone do?

As a pastoral musician
I can only do
that which comes so natural to me.

You know,
this morning on my facebook
I was asking my fb friends
to offer suggestions
on ways to celebrate
30 years in ministry.
Right now,
that doesn’t seem so important anymore.

What can I do?

I can sing
all of those songs
Nick was unable to sing
during his final moments of life.

I can sing today
and the weeks to come.
I will sing during all of Lent
and sing him right into
the Resurrection Promise of Easter Sunday.

. . . .Today. . . .Tomorrow. . .
Forever I will sing. . .

“Softy and tenderly Jesus is calling
calling for you and for me. . . .
. . . Come home. . .”

“Jesus, remember me
when you come into your kingdom . . .”

“ . . .blest are you who weep and morn
for one day you shall laugh. . .”

“. .. . . For to his angels he's given a command
to guard you in all of your ways. . .”

Nick,
May the angels lead into paradise.
May the martyrs come to welcome you
and take you to the Holy City,
the new and eternal Jerusalem.

Behold The Wood of This Cross

Behold, the Wood of This Cross.

You know, church life can be really trying sometimes. Just because it is "church" doesn’t mean it will be without communication breakdowns. Just because it is "church" doesn’t mean that people and procedures will be respected. On the contrary, precisely because the church is human many unfavorable qualities can, and often do, abound.

The challenge for each of us is to bear this cross when it presents itself. We must be Simon to each other and help each other carry the cross. Indeed, we must challenge those who thrust the cross upon our shoulders, or on our friend’s shoulders, to begin with. And this challenge is one of made out love. Precisely because I love you as a sister/brother in Christ, I must challenge you sometimes.

The thing is, most of us are afraid of that confrontation. We fear losing the friendship. We fear being cast as the troublemaker. And so many end up whispering in the pews to those they would see as allies about what this one or that one did, about what this group or that group did. In the end, that does nothing but build up another cross.

Near as I can tell, Jesus Christ spent his ministry challenging folks. Wouldn’t it really be more Christ-like to offer the challenge? And to do so in love and respect? To really pray about what words to say, about how to lovingly offer the challenge? Instead, many stand crucified. Maybe we are nailed to the cross because we are afraid to open out mouths.

There are times when it is necessary to stand Silent Like the Lamb, Silent with The Lamb. However, there are other times when our silence perpetuates and exasperates the sin.

Now, I won’t detail on this electronic parchment why the San Damiano crucifix in the photo here is a cross for me to bear. It has nothing to do with the cross itself or the fact that it is San Damiano. It will suffice to say that this cross I bear is a cross due to communication breakdowns and disrespect.

Still, this cross, that is to say, the cross made of wood in this photo, has been part of our parish’s Lenten mission. As I reflect on it now, even the cross built of communication break downs and disrespect has been an integral part of this mission. At least it has been for me.

Even so, it has been difficult for me to enter into the spirit of this mission knowing that people I love deeply have been hurt.

The presenter of the mission told the story of St. Francis of Assisi and the wolf. Now, that is a story I’ve heard since childhood. I won’t detail it here, but you can Google it easy enough if you want to know more about.

The presenter spoke of the wolf being that wild animal we fear. St. Francis managed to tame that wolf, at least for himself.

And with that I realize that writing this blog is cathardic. I am not afraid of the wolf (confrontation/challenge). On the contrary, I think there are many who do not like me precisely because of that.

The leader of the mission also asked the question of those present, "Who are you?" I had no difficulty answering the question. With Judith, my girlfriend from the Old Testament, I rejoice knowing I am a daughter of God.

But, at least for me, knowing I am a daughter of God is not enough. I need to articulate for myself what role I play in this family.

I am the member of the family that agitates every now and again. I am the member of the family that rocks the boat a little every once in a while. And I do this so that my brothers and sisters don’t grow apathetic and complacent in their faith.

I am the member of the family who dares to say we must worhip at the cross and not worship the cross. I am the one who dares to say that sometimes people use ministry not as mission but as an attempt to monopolize the Kingdom, as if that were even possible. I am the member of the family that recognizes that sometimes people can use God as an alibi for not seeing and hearing the Crucified one in our midst.

Indeed, true converstion calls for nothing less that confrontation.

I am not the wolf. I am the member of the family who is not afraid of the wolves named "Challenge" and "Confrontation." And because of this, there are some who don’t like it, don’t like me. So be it. I grew up with these wolves fearing them tremendously. And now I embrace them lovingly.

I will not stop embracing these wolves simply because others don’t like it. What these folks don't like, indeed what they fear, is their own conversion.

And so there is confrontation. For if I stand in silence and watch as others are hurt then I am just as guilty. I don’t know about you, but I can’t own that.

Perhaps now, I can embrace this cross, that is to say, the one built of communication break down and disrespect. By embracing it I mean to say/speak out loud (or least, on this electronic parchment) that this communication breakdown exists and has caused damage to the Body of Christ. As a daughter of God I will always embrace The Crucified. I pray that by doing so and by speaking these words we can begin the process of healing and reconciliation for that is what embracing the wolf is all about.

Behold the Wood of the Cross.
Behold and Listen.
This Crucifix of San Damiano is speaking.
I only hope I am not the only one who can hear it.

The Holy Family

The value and importance that a family represents varies. It will depend a lot on the experience one has had. And so, we cannot compare it with the existential dilemma of what came first, the chicken or the egg. This is because the family can be better or worse, depending upon the value and importance given to the family by parents.

For example, there are times when young couples say that they do not wish to continue with the errors of their parents, “We will be different with our children so that they will be better that us.”

And so this is the beginning of different families beginning a better experience, breaking away with bad habits.

As we analyze the importance that parents represent we end up comparing them to the Holy Family.

The family is the cradle of society. Each new member has as their first experience a family that receives them with love. This experience begins their formation as to how they will live others.

The natural, common and important role of the father will help the new little being. He will give protection. He will provide. He will give love and affection in every possible way and will be a good example.

No one can erase these and many other good actions of the father. These experiences in the life of the son or daughter will surely help define who they are as they

The mother, without a doubt, is the closest person as life begins.

From the moment of conception, the mother must decide whether or not to accept the child.

As she decides to accept the child within with love, she also accepts all of the challenges that this implies. She will not only carry the child in her womb, but she will carry that child through all the chapters of his or her life.

The new little person will feel the warmth within the mother’s arms. The child will hear and recognize mother’s voice, will be nourished by her, and will even recognize and share in her moods.

All of these feelings create experience that will give security to the little person and will influence the future of that person.

This experience of family will give a certain security to the new little person and, in time, he will have a value that challenges his own reality: I want to be better; I can be better; I want better for my family; I want to be more just; I want a better environment; I want a better society; I want to give better, more to others; etc.

What we have analyzed here could be a family that is truly holy, where the plan of God is fulfilled.

The formation the parents will give their children is experiential and the parents will be consecrated to fill such a mission. Thus, their children will live a future that they may be able may be able to transform as they are able.

The Holy Family of the bible gives us the same example, the same structure. The only difference being the time in which they lived.

Let us briefly analyze…

The mother receives the child:

The Annunciation

Then the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name him Jesus.” (Luke 1:30-31)

Acceptance
Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word." (Luke 1:38)


The father receives the child:

Annunciation
Now this is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about. When his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found with child through the Holy Spirit.

Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man, yet unwilling to expose her to shame, decided to divorce her quietly.

Such was his intention when, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home. For it is through the Holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her. (Mt. 1:18-20)


Acceptance
When Joseph awoke, he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took his wife into his home.
He had no relations with her until she bore a son, and he named him Jesus. (Mt. 1:24,25)

The child grew and became strong, filled with wisdom; and the favor of God was upon him. (Lk. 2:40,52)


The Initiative of Jesus

As is most natural during adolescence, Jesus took initiative even though there would be lack of understanding and inconvenience on the part of his parents. (Lk. 2:41-50)

This first action not only reaffirms his know-how and his experience, but also serves to deepen his awareness so to be able to fulfill his the mission given to him. (Lk. 4:18-19)

Until the ultimate consequence (Lk. 23:46-47)

The questions that remain are:

1. What was the mission of your parents?
2. What was your experience of family?
3. What is your mission?


The Angelus Prayer
The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary. And she conceived of the Holy Spirit.
Hail Mary. . .

Behold the handmaid of the LordBe it done unto me according to thy word.
Hail Mary. . .

And the Word was made Flesh. And dwelt among us.
Hail Mary. . .

Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God,That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Let Us PrayPour forth, we beseech Thee, O Lord, Thy grace into our hearts;that, we to whom the Incarnation of Christ, Thy Son, Was made known by the message of an Angel, May by His Passion and Cross, be brought to the glory of His Resurrection. Through the same Christ our Lord.

Amen.